ARTICLE - Electroboy Takes a Fall on Abilify 2006

I've taken a huge fall on my new medication regimen -- Abilify.

To those of us who battle bipolar disorder every day, it is not uncommon to have tried combinations of twenty or thirty different medications over years of trying to stabilize our illness. In my own experience battling bipolar disorder, I've tried thirty-eight medications (including the last failure) to "quiet the storm," not to mention nineteen rounds of electroshock therapy. Each time I do find temporary relief from this invisible illness, I feel as though I've found some permanence or cure.

But permanence is a relative term when it comes to mental illness. And cure is a term that I've learned is meaningless. It used to be when my psychopharmacologist and I would find a medication which would stabilize me for even a few months, I was ready to call friends and celebrate my cure. But at this point in my life, I know that my battle with bipolar disorder is a day to day fight and there is no such thing as a cure.

More than a year and a half ago, I added a drug called Abilify to my "cocktail" as prescribed by my psychopharmacologist of four years. At first I was proud that I seemed more functional because I desperately wanted Abilify to work for me and it was the "drug of the moment" for bipolar disorder. I had heard mixed reviews from both psychopharmacologists as well as many patients, but as usual, with all new medications, I wanted Abilify to stabilize my bipolar disorder and I went into it with an open mind.

After all, I had consented years ago to have 180 volts of electricity surge through my brain on nineteen separate occasions. And Abilify was only a tiny little pill. What harm could Abilify cause a bipolar patient? Little did I know the horrible side effects and downsides of Abilify which would take some time to wreak havoc in my life.

At first I had thought that I was "cured" again; but the proverbial earthquake jostled me into reality and I found myself back to where I was before I had been hospitalized for the first time. Abilify, a drug in which I had placed so much hope, was shaking up my life.

The first disastrous side effect I noticed on Abilify was a serious bout with akathisia, a frequent and common adverse effect of treatment with antipsychotic drugs. The clarity that I first felt on Abilify had progressed to an edgy agitation which could not be quieted. I felt a terrible feeling of inner restlessness and an urge to constantly stay moving, as well as "kicking my legs around" (whether it be underneath my desk or while I was trying to fall asleep in bed). All of this eerily reminded me of the darkness of my old mania.

Of course, I thought I was stronger than the Abilify and I'm ashamed to say that I thought I could "beat it" it with increasing my own dosage of anti-anxiety medication and even alcohol (a beer or two at 1 p.m. seemed perfectly acceptable to me and this was the first time I had had a drink in years).

Another horrible side effect for me were the problems that I experienced with my cognitive skills, which actually reminded me so much of my experience after electroshock therapy. One day while at lunch, I gazed blankly at a friend and could not for the life of me remember her name although I had known her for more than a couple of years. I was often confused and agitated over simple things: a misplaced piece of paper, whether I had taken my dogs out for a walk or not, and even focusing on a simple conversation. Abilify, my new "wonder drug" was failing me and I was embarrassed to tell anyone, even my wife (because we had an infant) and frighteningly, my own psychopharmacologist. What would he say? Because Abilify was relatively new, I figured it just had to work for me. But soon, after doing my own research, hearing from other people whose experiences were similar to mine as well as other mental health care professionals, and conferring with my own psychopharmacologist, it was clearly time to get off Abilify.

Luckily, I didn't suffer all of the common side effects of Abilify that people have written to me about (constipation, headaches, insomnia, light headedness, sleepiness and tremors) - - just akathisia and cognitive problems. But trust me, that was enough.

The stigma of "losing the battle" is certainly a tough one for anyone, but somehow for me, being a mental health advocate, writer and speaker, it seemed even harder, because I have always felt pressure to be a "recovered" bipolar patient. Therefore, "fessing up" to my fall is especially difficult for me.

In the end, my not sharing my ongoing experience with medication with other consumers will only result in their not asking questions of their own mental health care professionals, knowing what side effects to look for and being realistic about their treatment for bipolar disorder.